8/29/2016

all we really do is keep searching for authority




We all keep searching for authority. No matter how much self-assurance we might possess, the idea of someone reviewing our ideas is greatly reassuring. I make decisions and I can feel they are right, still, I search for approval. Not an advice, nor a suggestion, rather, a straightforward judgment. We seek it from people we value or appreciate. At times, they can be complete strangers, yet we intuitively detect their compelling authority.

It ‘s about how we perceive the person in front of us. His taste, aesthetics, life wisdom and things achieved in life. I want to ask someone so competent that I can feel I am on my route to perfection. I know it doesn’t exist, yet it’s just an aspiration and individually, we find the entities that embody a certain ideal. We can do anything to maintain them, because we need them to thrive.  

Sometimes I wonder why things cannot exist on their own. They need to be talked about and consulted. Probably, for a better result. We spend whole lives reviewing our actions. Sometimes, an authority can share responsibility for failures, but most of the time, he will remain intact. As things turn out wrong, we blame ourselves and try to convince the world, we will never be able to succeed alone.

I think we need idols, partners and friends for so many beautiful reasons. Still, support is a different matter, so is sharing ideas or getting a piece of advice. An authority is distant and inaccessible, unquestionable and looked up to. If life is a constant quest for validation, I want to understand how to become an authority for oneself, remaining open-minded and humble.

8/21/2016

what makes me upset at times




 
the rain on the day you expect to be sunny/uncertainty/people who enjoy being mean/people who lie/self-disappointment/unrealistic expectations towards oneself/dirty bed sheets/snapchat/the disappearing meal that you wish could last forever/delayed flights/physical weakness/when long-awaited coffee is too bitter/life in the medieval times/dying plants/dried flowers/too many mosquito bites so you can’t handle scratching/techno music/people who think themselves so knowledgeable they try to give you life lessons/limited guitar skills/fear of being trivial/clichés/coming of age films/fleeting youth/Instagram photos of gym workout/hashtags/e-books/being far from natural landscapes/forgetting my keys/self-doubt/being scolded for eating too much peanut butter/days when just nothing makes sense/people who talk too much/hiding the truth for the sake of the situation/ reality TV/good times coming to an end/songs that have good intros but actually turn out bad/hypocrisy/tea with milk/sundays/dangers of smoking/leaving the people you love/going to an exhibition only to find out the museum is closed/the day after new year’s eve/people who cannot listen/inclination to act hysterically/aniseed jelly/forgetting things I really wanted to remember/inability to tackle all those things that make me upset at times

8/13/2016

is the the current moment what really counts


I want to be fully consumed by things happening right in front of my eyes, but somehow, all I can bear in my mind is what’s yet to come or things already lived. Why can I never think how sweet it is to be in this hour?

It’s about observation first, then comes the appreciation. To be rooted in the current moment allows to learn and is just another opportunity to taste trivial happiness. Our idea of presence is distorted, as the contemporary perception of time is so future-focused. Alternatively, we can reassess our positions via the past prism. How to achieve the perfection, the fragility that will make us shake with excitement for the touch of hand we feel in this exact second, for the crystal shades of the skies we get to see walking home in the dusk?

Days can last so long, but when I try to forget the passage of time, I rejoice them more. When activity consumes all the subconscious, we are doing things now, on spot, we listen to conversations with interest and we respond with honesty. When we look into someone’s eyes and we see every little detail of the face and expression, letting us truly embrace the uniqueness of people we are surrounded by. When we don’t necessarily judge, but elicit maximum tolerance to appreciate the diversity and yet, appreciate our own way of thinking. I guess the current moment counts a lot and it is the only time when crucial things occur.  Future will always come and past is always a dragging memory. Let it be cup of coffee in your hand, let it be a ride on a train, let it be a conversation. The future and the past will never exist without what’s just now.

8/07/2016

i want life to be an adventure



I discovered that one of my biggest fears is the possibility of a life to stop being an adventure. Since I left home, I felt the power in my hands to make it a ceaseless challenge, a set of events unpredictable, formative and beautiful. Destiny is also part of the route, I believe, yet I know, whenever each chapter slowly came to an end, my heart was trembling in doubt.

I started to wonder what made it an adventure so far. I thought, if I navigate those factors and write them down, I will be able to always follow those guidelines and tackle my fear. I didn’t realise the inevitability of ends and new beginnings. In my mind, the end was definite and a new beginning just a step closer to a steady, conventional life I never wanted. Still, no matter how much I try to rationalise the matter, I feel as if someone was about to knock on my door and snatch my freedom.

It all comes down to a question, what an adventure really is? There are definitions galore, but for me, it’s just an opportunity to explore. Foreign places and cultures, new ideas, the people or oneself. How I can change given the tougher circumstances, far from the comfort of my hometown and things so well known I will always take for granted. There is something alluring about uncertainty. It is the knowledge that the situation will always push you further, beyond the boundaries you defined for yourself, beyond the boundaries that were defined for you in the place you come from. There is no space for calculating risks, gains or losses, because you know the adventure per se is worth it. It will give you a sense of living to the fullest. It will allow you to evolve with landscapes and life philosophies, with words you hear being honestly said, with conclusions you’ll draw and with mistakes you’ll discover.

Sometimes, I feel we’re here for no particular reason. This concept frightened me at first, but now I approach it differently. Small particles of the world as we are, it guarantees peace of mind. There is no list of responsibilities to complete, no mission to accomplish. Life as an adventure is a path that shall not be marked by any finishing line. I want it to unfold with my maturity and smaller or bigger wisdom. I do not want to hear voices judgmental, accusing me of irresponsibility, suggesting carelessness.  I want my life to show me things I could never imagine. I want to look at it with awe and admiration. I want the adventure to last forever.