on flawless disillusions and the hearts affected

Accepting the love you do not deserve is hurting yourself without no one else to blame but you. How far can you go with the feeling that makes you loose all the esteem towards yourself? It’s not easy to rationalise those matters, discipline and the impulse of your own heart were never meant to go hand in hand.

Isn’t it simply beautiful - to feel the sadness that is paving the way for something better. Sticking to things we imagined as flawless is an ultimate security, we might never dare to test all levels of perfection. Understanding that whenever one goes chasing feelings that might be the fullest, he has to take risks as an intrinsic part of the venture.

I often wonder why we try to idealise the people we care about. Is it that we are trying to make them fit into the impeccable visualisation we conceived? Can we be satisfied by living in a reality that’s blurred so we can repel the actual state of things? Being honest in your life starts with the question: am I honest with myself? Honesty is also facing the disillusion one tries to keep in front of one’s face like a mirror that is so uncomfortable to hold and will eventually break. It always takes time.

Sometimes you just see people and want them so badly to give you what you hope for. This is when you justify them, sweep their flaws, think of shinings of happiness and try to give them the ultimate meaning. In fact, in between one’s laugh and the touch of hand, there is an ocean of things and matters unsolved, floating, you want to be oblivious of, as they unveil the non-glamourised truth.

I think that at times, the power of the dream is really unmeasurable. It carries us to places where the carefully selected elements of reality seem to make sense. We start reading signs, change our beliefs, raise our hopes. There is no better way to learn than to break the dream in your very own hand and let it disperse. Its dust seems tragic at first, but soon one can realise that to believe in things happening for a reason is not a symptom of naivety. It is the most beautiful way to let your dreams crystalise again. 

a letter to myself

 Hi,

I’m writing this letter, a digital one, a non-tangible one, a couple of phrases. A kind of letter you have no choice, but to read, because you’re the one writing it. It’s definite and heard, as your eyes sift through the text full of words that came out of you. Addressed to you.

This is a therapeutical exercise. This is a kind gesture. I hope it makes you lighter.

Stop limiting yourself. There are enough limitations life continuously imposes on us for you to add more.

Demand from yourself, but let yourself go too. Life is all about balance.

Trust yourself and your instincts. Nothing should be dictated by fears.

Don’t create pressure that doesn’t really exist.

Always show the honest feeling.

Never be swamped by ambition and dreams.

Be vulnerable and let other people take care of you sometimes.

Differentiate beween the trivial and the important.

Remember nothing is the end of the world really.

Stop thinking about being, becoming someone. Be the way you are.

Best,

M

on documentation

The world we see everyday is a collection of images, subjective and personal, filtrated through a mood, a state of mind, a character. Objectivity is not to be concerned about, because eventually, it disables emotion to have its say on the world we’re living in. This is why documentation is so important.

As soon as certain thought is expressed, written, transformed into an artwork, we can realise its power. It’s not about who is saying, it’s about how he’s saying it. A documentation of quality is one that offers an inspiration, an incentive. It’s an answer to a question - what else of this reality can we understand thanks to perceptive minds of others? There is a hidden potential in all of us to complete this task and bring its results out. We are an ensemble of individuals, a variety invited to take up all forms of creative activity to share something we find essential in the closest or more remote surrounding. We can choose our destinations, we can choose the medium. While we should evade acting opinionated and keep a healthy dose of self-criticism, we should always find courage to create a smal record of our observations. Out of pure generosity, give it to others and maybe one day, our documentation will grow into something more substantial. In the end, isn’t this world all about floating ideas?

on silence

Sometimes I realize the blessing that comes with silence. It is a choice, but not an ultimate one. I feel people always prefer to speak. But speech is tiring and abundant, missing the point, it is just a medium to reassure oneself - I am eloquent, I have opinions.

The people I really enjoy listening to remain quiet and need to be confronted with a direct question. Is it that they treasure their view so much, is it because of fear? I believe what they have to say derivesfrom observation, acuteness, intelligence. Who dares to speak before making an attempt to see a full, wide spectre?

I learn how to catch those moments, when I know my opinion is not exactly the most comprehensive one and I’d rather refrain from talking. At first I think - how little do I know, how little do I understand. Then I translate my pessimism into a more optimistic conclusion - I am soaking things in, I am learning. I notice it builds up an aura of respect around you - it is a silent admission of own weakness, which never comes easy. Once we are ready to show it outside, we can see the world shrinking into a small ball of hasty judgements, while we keep the time to make up our minds and eventually, stand for something we are thoroughly aware of.

on certain days i wake up

The art of waking up is quite bizarre. I am often intrigued with all the ways to start the day and how our subconsciousness can determine about the moments when we open our eyes. As I started writing down all the possible sensations, it turned out, waking up is treacherous and yet, very important. Setting the tone of our days, it also sets the tone of our life.

On certain days I wake up and feel nostalgic.
On certain days I wake up and immediately rise from bed.
On certain days I wake up and turn the music on.
On certain days I wake up and cover my head with a duvet.
On certain days I wake up and check the colour of the sky.
On certain days I wake up and feel distressed.
On certain days I wake up and feel happy the awaited morning has arrived.
On certain days I wake up and think the dream I had is real.
On certain days I wake up and think that soon, another night will come and I will sleep again.
On certain days I wake up and feel excited.
On certain days I wake up and miss my family.
On certain days I wake up and wish it was snowing.
On certain days I wake up and can't wait for other people to wake up.
On certain days I wake up and imagine I'm playing in a movie so that birds fly around my head.
On certain days I wake up and wish I was playing in an advert so I'd enthusiastically rise from bed following the smell of freshly brewed coffee.
On certain days I wake up and realise I am back home in my old bed.
On certain days I wake up and I'm not sure where I am.
On certain days I wake up and regret the drinks I had the night before.
On certain days I wake up and cannot believe my own luck.
On certain days I wake up and already know I have a new pimple of my face.
On certain days I wake up and wish I could stay in bed all day, reading books and eating pastries.
On certain days I wake up and feel cold.
On certain days I wake up because someone woke me up.
On certain days I wake up and can't wait for breakfast.
On certain days I wake up and feel incapable of doing simplest things.
On certain days I wake up and feel as if something bad has happened although everything is fine.
On certain days I wake up and think that life is pretty good.

the perks of being a girl

I was never a tomboy, but it has always seemed that a girl needs to come up to way too many expectations. She has to behave well, she has to be pretty. I treasure one particular memory in my mind, I was 5, maybe 6, my mum took me outside for a walk. I don’t remember the particular reason of this excursion, but what I vividly see is me wearing a dress, little pea coat and a beret. The first two I could somehow handle, but it was the headwear that I couldn’t bear. Featuring small embroidered tulips, I was taking it off while my mum persistently put it back on my head. I might have cried on that day or maybe I even yelled in exasperation. What I want to say is that on my short life’s timeline, this trivial event marked a certain beginning – a way to acceptance I will always be a girl.

Fifteen years later, there is nothing else I’d wish for. This has nothing to do with a feminist discourse, I am far from making radical statements or expressing strong opinions. Rather, I just feel it’s so much more luminous – the view of the world filtrated through a girl’s perspective. In fact, being a girl is cool for so many reasons I thought they need a proper list. Here it comes.

It’s generally accepted we can display our emotions. 

We can also talk about them.

We actually want to talk about them, analyse them and draw conclusions.

We are more likely to put pride aside.

We can be strong and sensitive at the same time.

There is nothing a girl wouldn't do for true love.

We value friendships.

We are free to wear any shade of pink if we feel like it.

We always look for someone to take care of.

And we also expect to be taken care of.

We can wear berets.

Most of our problems have been already solved by female press.

We inspired many more love songs than the opposite sex.

We have the ability to admit our weakness.

We can openly say our mums are our best friends.

We can play sports without feeling ashamed we totally suck at it.

We have girlfriends who stay overnight and can sleep under same bed sheets. 

We can act hysterical at times.

And romantic.

We can keep secrets. 

And follow the intuition.

on demands and expectations

 

They say you should demand from yourself.  They say you should never expect too much. I find those two statements contradictory, still, they rule our existence.

Whenever I think about my life, I have a feeling its outcome is dependent upon my own mobilisation. How much I am willing to give of myself, how many sacrifices I can make, how hard I am ready to work. This way of thinking is treacherous though – whenever things fall apart, you tend to blame yourself. But then what terrifies me more than self-condemnation is self-satisfaction. It just seems an ultimately deterring factor standing on my way to success. Whatever this success might be.

                                                                                                                           

I often wonder how to balance the ambition, dreams, realism and logic. They seem so contrasting, yet their presence in our life is unquestionable. We enter different periods, sometimes driven by wanderlust, sometimes driven by common sense. If one should ever disappear, what our life would be? Either a survival or a tale topped with disillusionment.

You get what you give, what goes around comes around and karma. Idioms, sayings and beliefs teach us, we need to try our best. Embracing life wisdom is not easy, it’s even more difficult to put it into practice. But I start to believe that it’s good to constantly strive for a little bit more, while trying to avoid being too harsh on yourself. On one end, we have failure, it’s fine. On the other lays success, this one is cool. Everything in between is life lessons. So formative. Somehow, I think they are the best of all.