what makes me happy at times

a feeling of being rebellious/writing when the words come my way/harnessing fears/small coffees/sparkling drinks/croissants/and chocolate/croissants with chocolate/and almonds too/vinyl shopping/buying books and arranging them on shelves/remembering things/discovering new authors/coming across quotes I relate to/buying postcards/prosecco/travelling/hotels with pools/holding hands/cold showers on hot days/rain seen from the window/creating imaginary soundtracks/narrow streets of small mediterranean towns/when the plane prepares for landing and you know you will reach the destination soon/rooftops/hanging around until the sun comes up/sunsets/saying that i cannot do something but finally doing it and feeling secretly proud/industrial landscapes/paris/ordering a bottle of wine in a restaurant/cheese with cassis jam/watching french films/jazz/funk/rock/indie/electro/almost any type of music as long as it's good/almost any type of live music as long as it comes from the heart/first days of summer/wrapping christmas gifts/planning how i will spend money in the future/buying flowers/small vases/beautiful ceramics/people who make an effort to truly discover your mind/floating on the sea while the sun shines into your face/sleeping with windows open/the evenings when you know you're so tired you'll fall asleep the second your head touches the pillow/watching lost in translation for a thousand time/and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind/the lyrics of james taylor/romantic gestures/realising you are quite old-fashioned at heart/the jokes of mac demarco/being alone when you need it/cycling at dusk/forests/perfumes with intriguing smells/whole days planned with mom/true friendships/hard work/people who can listen/projecting the future/walking down the street listening to music and imagining you are playing in the movie/dancing and forgetting oneself/eating ice cubes/nutella/speaking french/collecting magazines/reading at cafes/reading on the metro/reassuring moments when you realise no one is really normal/curiosity/meeting with friends on fridays after work/vintage shopping/floral patterns/summer dresses/challenges/dreams/starting new things/the fact that the future is unknown/smiling to oneself when remembering something nice/snow/playing scrabble/when you realise all previous experiences led you exactly to the point you are now and nothings was a coincidence/instagramming pictures of beautiful places/coming back home after a long time/the moment at the airport just before crossing the arrival gates when you know you are about to see your family/people with sense of humour/trusting myself/candles/making fashion investments/driving the car at night/receiving letters/spontaneity/making lists

PS In comparisoin to compiling a 'what makes me sad at times' list, this one was way much easier to do. Does it mean I am happy?

seasons

I never liked the question about my favourite season. The further winter is from me, the more I miss it. The distance of summer days sparks longing for bright, warm nights. Autumn may not be here yet, but I feel it. I remember the smell of young trees in June, a colour of sun-touched skin, the awakenings and opening the window where the world appeared green and yellow –the colours my memory has kept. Now, every morning carries a breeze. It’s a breeze of fading leaves and a call of first winds.

I moved to Paris a year ago and the automnal image of the city is the one I carry in my mind. Somehow, it feels more familiar. The noise of children playing in school’s backyards, they just got back from holiday. The sun lighting up Haussmann’s architecture is not so vague, but rather orange, shimmering gold. The Pere-Lachaise and stacks of brown leaves. Baguettes fresh from the ovens warming up my hands.

Sometimes all we have is a collection of images inside our heads that we can stick to. I feel this is how we approach seasons. We temember each in a unique way, each carries a meaning and a recollection of a life once lived. How was the sky outside and what were the sounds like on this exact moment you were walking down those beautiful or hideous streets with heart full of feeling towards people you miss. A relation between time-the surroundings-the feeling-the mindset is a very strong one, creating attachments to things as little as the particular sunlight or the specific smell of the ground. If anyone thinks it’s a question of sensitivty, he’d rather dig deep into one’s mind. I believe everyone can find those links.

wishes are memories coming from our future

In ‘Letters on Life’, Rainer Maria Rilke shared this thought with a reader. This not the type of quote that offers salvation, in fact, it may not strike you at all. Your eyes can easily pass it by, following the stream of sentences, all smart and filled with unusual sensitivity.

I didn’t realise how simple it is. I stopped reading and analysed each word separately to find the logic. A wish (something I hope for) is a memory (is it possible?) coming (not yet here) from my future (the unknown). I put the sentence together once again to fully grasp its wisdom. Things I hope for are visualisations of things that will appear in my future, as they are all within my reach. This utopian message seemed too good to come from Rilke, who believed that humility in front of life is one the greatest human traits.

I began to wonder what is a difference between a wish and potential? How can we turn it into the future and can we ever suppose we are not capable enough to put ideas into action? How to measure what is realistic and what is just a vague, diaphanous dream? How terrifying this dilemma actually is, pushing us to admit own weakness and filter them through the blurry landscapes of own fate, undefined circumstances that one day will become the future. This way of thinking can discourage the biggest enthusiast, magnify the fears and leave one trembling that soon he’ll be a victim of own expectations.

Rilke stirred some hopes, so I thought I’ll approach his words as a hypothesis, a possibility. Although it provoked certain optimism, I cannot rely solely on things that have not been proved by an example of my own life. In the end, each existence is an individual case study. I just decided to do everything I can to make things work on all levels, from career to self-development, from emotions to physical strength. We all wish that by doing our best, we’ll avoid regret. A future devoid of regret sounds pretty good to me.

all we really do is keep searching for authority

We all keep searching for authority. No matter how much self-assurance we might possess, the idea of someone reviewing our ideas is greatly reassuring. I make decisions and I can feel they are right, still, I search for approval. Not an advice, nor a suggestion, rather, a straightforward judgment. We seek it from people we value or appreciate. At times, they can be complete strangers, yet we intuitively detect their compelling authority.

It ‘s about how we perceive the person in front of us. His taste, aesthetics, life wisdom and things achieved in life. I want to ask someone so competent that I can feel I am on my route to perfection. I know it doesn’t exist, yet it’s just an aspiration and individually, we find the entities that embody a certain ideal. We can do anything to maintain them, because we need them to thrive.  

Sometimes I wonder why things cannot exist on their own. They need to be talked about and consulted. Probably, for a better result. We spend whole lives reviewing our actions. Sometimes, an authority can share responsibility for failures, but most of the time, he will remain intact. As things turn out wrong, we blame ourselves and try to convince the world, we will never be able to succeed alone.

I think we need idols, partners and friends for so many beautiful reasons. Still, support is a different matter, so is sharing ideas or getting a piece of advice. An authority is distant and inaccessible, unquestionable and looked up to. If life is a constant quest for validation, I want to understand how to become an authority for oneself, remaining open-minded and humble.

what makes me upset at times

 

the rain on the day you expect to be sunny/uncertainty/people who enjoy being mean/people who lie/self-disappointment/unrealistic expectations towards oneself/dirty bed sheets/snapchat/the disappearing meal that you wish could last forever/delayed flights/physical weakness/when long-awaited coffee is too bitter/life in the medieval times/dying plants/dried flowers/too many mosquito bites so you can’t handle scratching/techno music/people who think themselves so knowledgeable they try to give you life lessons/limited guitar skills/fear of being trivial/clichés/coming of age films/fleeting youth/Instagram photos of gym workout/hashtags/e-books/being far from natural landscapes/forgetting my keys/self-doubt/being scolded for eating too much peanut butter/days when just nothing makes sense/people who talk too much/hiding the truth for the sake of the situation/ reality TV/good times coming to an end/songs that have good intros but actually turn out bad/hypocrisy/tea with milk/sundays/dangers of smoking/leaving the people you love/going to an exhibition only to find out the museum is closed/the day after new year’s eve/people who cannot listen/inclination to act hysterically/aniseed jelly/forgetting things I really wanted to remember/inability to tackle all those things that make me upset at times

is the the current moment what really counts

I want to be fully consumed by things happening right in front of my eyes, but somehow, all I can bear in my mind is what’s yet to come or things already lived. Why can I never think how sweet it is to be in this hour?

It’s about observation first, then comes the appreciation. To be rooted in the current moment allows to learn and is just another opportunity to taste trivial happiness. Our idea of presence is distorted, as the contemporary perception of time is so future-focused. Alternatively, we can reassess our positions via the past prism. How to achieve the perfection, the fragility that will make us shake with excitement for the touch of hand we feel in this exact second, for the crystal shades of the skies we get to see walking home in the dusk?

Days can last so long, but when I try to forget the passage of time, I rejoice them more. When activity consumes all the subconscious, we are doing things now, on spot, we listen to conversations with interest and we respond with honesty. When we look into someone’s eyes and we see every little detail of the face and expression, letting us truly embrace the uniqueness of people we are surrounded by. When we don’t necessarily judge, but elicit maximum tolerance to appreciate the diversity and yet, appreciate our own way of thinking. I guess the current moment counts a lot and it is the only time when crucial things occur.  Future will always come and past is always a dragging memory. Let it be cup of coffee in your hand, let it be a ride on a train, let it be a conversation. The future and the past will never exist without what’s just now.

i want life to be an adventure

I discovered that one of my biggest fears is the possibility of a life to stop being an adventure. Since I left home, I felt the power in my hands to make it a ceaseless challenge, a set of events unpredictable, formative and beautiful. Destiny is also part of the route, I believe, yet I know, whenever each chapter slowly came to an end, my heart was trembling in doubt.

I started to wonder what made it an adventure so far. I thought, if I navigate those factors and write them down, I will be able to always follow those guidelines and tackle my fear. I didn’t realise the inevitability of ends and new beginnings. In my mind, the end was definite and a new beginning just a step closer to a steady, conventional life I never wanted. Still, no matter how much I try to rationalise the matter, I feel as if someone was about to knock on my door and snatch my freedom.

It all comes down to a question, what an adventure really is? There are definitions galore, but for me, it’s just an opportunity to explore. Foreign places and cultures, new ideas, the people or oneself. How I can change given the tougher circumstances, far from the comfort of my hometown and things so well known I will always take for granted. There is something alluring about uncertainty. It is the knowledge that the situation will always push you further, beyond the boundaries you defined for yourself, beyond the boundaries that were defined for you in the place you come from. There is no space for calculating risks, gains or losses, because you know the adventure per se is worth it. It will give you a sense of living to the fullest. It will allow you to evolve with landscapes and life philosophies, with words you hear being honestly said, with conclusions you’ll draw and with mistakes you’ll discover.

Sometimes, I feel we’re here for no particular reason. This concept frightened me at first, but now I approach it differently. Small particles of the world as we are, it guarantees peace of mind. There is no list of responsibilities to complete, no mission to accomplish. Life as an adventure is a path that shall not be marked by any finishing line. I want it to unfold with my maturity and smaller or bigger wisdom. I do not want to hear voices judgmental, accusing me of irresponsibility, suggesting carelessness.  I want my life to show me things I could never imagine. I want to look at it with awe and admiration. I want the adventure to last forever.