we were made by the cities

History cannot go wrong, people built the cities. They constructed and planned, following the logic, utopia and utilitarian ideals. City is a creation that was supposed to serve the human and now it’s a power station that makes us as we are.

I’m taking London as a point of reference, because that’s where I’ve spent the last two years and that’s the place I will leave in three months for a different, obscure location. Trying to observe the rhythm of days, the silent noise of nights, the never ending blinking of the lights, I see the blurred lines passing by. Nothing I can discern in full glow, just a blend of images, constant rush, ambition pulsating and clashing ideas emerging. I need to be thankful for that, a lesson of life I don’t want for myself. For a while, that’s how I was, exactly like that place, always oblivious of good things, without the capacity to hear my own head saying ‘it’s a different way of being you need’. And then, millions of people, thriving or suffocating, loving or detesting, they find themselves in the set of streets, where they become the tiny elements of urban landscapes, either lost or found, the city wants you to fit.

Being non-conformist, being honest with oneself will always lead to the question about the physical place you’re in. I don’t want to be made by a city. I’m searching for the city that will be my natural reflection. 

songs to listen to when driving through cities

One of the greatest joys of driving through the cities is seeing all the lights and the fast motion of changing landscapes. It can be your hometown, it can be a huge metropolis – every city has its allure when seen from outside the window, when dream-like and distant. This occaison needs a soundtrack and here is one.  

The Jesus & Mary Chain ‘Just Like Honey’

Cocteau Twins ‘Love’s Easy Tears’

Kevin Shields ‘Outro’

Galaxie 500 ‘Listen The Snow is Falling’

Neko Case ‘In California’

Burce Springsteen ‘Dream Baby Dream’

Kindness ‘Swingin’ Party’

New Order ‘Ceremony’

remember where you come from and it will save your life

When I see a change coming, a landscape in transition, an aspiration obliterating my mind, I forget that the only things I should ever possess need to be true of me.

I want things I am shown. I constantly compare, not materially, but subjectively – the value of my life.  What do I want, why do I want it. Where do I come from, what do I have. Could I have it if my life has been otherwise. I have so much. I have my own memory, my visions and things I’ve seen and the person next to me on this crazy train has its own. It is beautiful to perceive the life through my  clouded mind, it’s been given to me for something and it’s special, so great.  I have the sensibility of a kid and a love for things grey, that’s what I’ve seen in the place I come from. It’s not a conformism to seek similarities when you come into adult reality. Life is here, I am life.

Man’s a never-finished form as Hesse claimed. He was so right. 

but what if even love cannot drag you out of loneliness

There is a man and a woman, there is a relationship. She is a fleeting creature, constantly wavering and transforming, but she’s also the only certainty of his life. He is sentimental, aspiring, writing a book that never turns out to be more than a magnet of his own sorrows, which deepens the frustration. He leaves her and then he comes back.

The Battle of Toulouse by French Jose Cabanis is a novel of many thoughts. Where do we get love from? It is in endless trips around the coast, summer noons and talking without the purpose of being smart. It can be found in a person, a being that seeks same assertion, a non-verbal communicate ‘you’re sitting next to me and that’s so cool and important that I don’t need to say it’. This is a story of people who never fully unveil themselves in front of each other, because it is always that we are unwilling to expose all secrets of heart. But if we don’t, even love cannot drag you out of loneliness. 

floating

I embrace myself and get to know the life. There is no other order to follow to see things  to get a vague perception of reality. To be with the others through oneself.

To find an affirmation of own way of being and all the decisions in something simple. When you know the life you want to live, but you need to see the entire landscape of dreams and ideas that are being done.  And to always keep own head so full, of visions and thoughts loose that sometime they will become one.

I need to hear to the world to speak to it, to let the perspectives transcend and then I will get things done. And to keep writing, writing for the sake of it to let it come out and feel different just for a short while, when you’re thinking the idea you formulated is floating.

the stars in the universe are lighting up my life

Here you are sometimes, where the ways are intersecting and you want to see them in their entirety and capability, but there is no way of knowing where the things will go.

It is like a universe where stars are points of reference but they are getting blurred, they go out or light up all of a sudden, because it is an endless flux and change. This overused metaphor of life is, so compelling, almost unimaginable so I need to repeat it all over again as words come to my head.

Sometimes, all we want is the moon, to reach to it, to always see it and let it guide us as one and only certainty in the whole suspense of constant alteration of the sky that is either becoming so drastically different to what we know or stays mercilessly same for ages of our days.

I want some things to be certain, but startling and my life to shimmer like stars protected by the love of some incomprehensible instance that would come to my view in its own time.

clearing

If there is way of knowing

there is understanding

what can be said

is there below

under our feet.

So if there is way of knowing

there is way of being

being in transition

always and 

forever.

And what you came to say

I’ll stop it all

halfway

between hearing

and listening

is something,