i want life to be an adventure

I discovered that one of my biggest fears is the possibility of a life to stop being an adventure. Since I left home, I felt the power in my hands to make it a ceaseless challenge, a set of events unpredictable, formative and beautiful. Destiny is also part of the route, I believe, yet I know, whenever each chapter slowly came to an end, my heart was trembling in doubt.

I started to wonder what made it an adventure so far. I thought, if I navigate those factors and write them down, I will be able to always follow those guidelines and tackle my fear. I didn’t realise the inevitability of ends and new beginnings. In my mind, the end was definite and a new beginning just a step closer to a steady, conventional life I never wanted. Still, no matter how much I try to rationalise the matter, I feel as if someone was about to knock on my door and snatch my freedom.

It all comes down to a question, what an adventure really is? There are definitions galore, but for me, it’s just an opportunity to explore. Foreign places and cultures, new ideas, the people or oneself. How I can change given the tougher circumstances, far from the comfort of my hometown and things so well known I will always take for granted. There is something alluring about uncertainty. It is the knowledge that the situation will always push you further, beyond the boundaries you defined for yourself, beyond the boundaries that were defined for you in the place you come from. There is no space for calculating risks, gains or losses, because you know the adventure per se is worth it. It will give you a sense of living to the fullest. It will allow you to evolve with landscapes and life philosophies, with words you hear being honestly said, with conclusions you’ll draw and with mistakes you’ll discover.

Sometimes, I feel we’re here for no particular reason. This concept frightened me at first, but now I approach it differently. Small particles of the world as we are, it guarantees peace of mind. There is no list of responsibilities to complete, no mission to accomplish. Life as an adventure is a path that shall not be marked by any finishing line. I want it to unfold with my maturity and smaller or bigger wisdom. I do not want to hear voices judgmental, accusing me of irresponsibility, suggesting carelessness.  I want my life to show me things I could never imagine. I want to look at it with awe and admiration. I want the adventure to last forever.    

heads vs hearts

I once tried to trace where does intuition come from. Some think it’s a voice inside a head. I believe it’s a hidden speaker of our very own heart.

Can we go wrong listening to mind’s logic? Less likely. Can we go wrong listening to our heart? Highly probable. Why is it worth to choose greater risks rather than, as a tribute to sanity, follow things calculated? The question is old and continuously debated. In times of doubt or fear, no reasonable argument can calm me down. If that’s the case, can it solve the problem at all? I’m speaking about the universe of emotion.

Perceptions can change with a change of heart. It’s funny how misled we can be, by its love, by its sparks, by its sadness. Still, it seems that in life, we always strive for trust. If you say you trust yourself, people around will stand in awe. This is one of the most difficult, yet highly desirable peaks on the emotional climb, that allows to make decision, eliminates regret. But then, if we finally come to terms with our own psyche, we have to take in stride, heart will become our guide. And the 

head will remain just an armour for its resounding voice.

summer blues soundtrack

Summer is time of happiness, but there are times when joy meets nostalgia. When evenings are warm and skies painted with pink and purple, when a sense of loneliness is too difficult to repel, when sun shines through your hair and the world seems filtrated through its rays. Here are the tracks to play in those moments.

Pete Drake & His Talking Steel Guitar 'Forever'

Is Tropical 'What You Want'

Jimmy Carter and the Dallas Country Green 'Honey Dew'

Sean Nicholas Savage 'Propaganda'

The Dove & the Wolf 'The Words You Said'

Shlohmo 'Anywhere But Here'

Mazzy Star 'Common Burn'

James Taylor 'Hymn'

what is uncertainty?

The insatiable need to keep the order makes us question how long things can last. This is part of human nature – to doubt the beauty of the moment, to question things coming our way. Being uncertain can wreck your brain, but being certain can wreck your life.

Sometimes I wonder if coming to an end is genuinely the inevitable. To what extent this is us who decide things should cease to exist? Why everything has to be uncertain? Is it better than taking things for granted? Can we ever be sure of the world, made of millions small, yet independent particles, of another human beings. Everything can choose for itself, why would it do us a favour? Everything can be finite. This is the birthplace of uncertainty.

I always wanted to posess a dose of confidence. Not a type of confidence that comes to mind first,  to speak boldly, to think freely. A completely different one, where you feel you hold life in your hands and no matter how much you shake it, it’s the way you made it. Slowly, I’m starting to realise, there is no such thing. We are just hung up in the hollow space of luck, destiny and feeling. It can lead us very far, it can lead us astray. Nothing can be definite, nothing can last forever. Depending on our own idea of eternity, we function in a time frame that’s already been set. It has chapters just like books, it has beautiful quotes and nostalgic lines. We don’t know the exact words, we just remember contexts. This is how the life goes, this is how we live day by day.

Uncertainity is integral part of things we treasure most. What has been built can fall apart at any time. Can I keep it in place with my own two hands?

what if

 

If human emotion was straightforward by its nature, I probably wouldn’t even start writing.

If human emotion was complicated by its nature, I probably wouldn’t even realise there is something to write about.

If one day I think I understood someone’s feeling, I’d scold myself for this easy, superficial thinking.

If one day I think I cannot comprehend someone’s feeling, I’d scold myself for not trying hard enough.

These paradoxes are intrinsic of human emotion. Once I thought the more you learn and the longer you exist on this planet, experience can make up for all the insufficient knowledge. I believed one can reach the point when he’s lived so much, he can see through people around. But as much as we are all individual, we are also enigmatic in a very own way. This is not a mystery we keep on purpose. How we act and what we show of ourselves to others is filtrated through a net composed of where we come from, what we’re dreaming of, what’ve seen. Sometimes, I like to think one’s mystery is better than other’s, but I know I’m wrong. Not everyone in this world will have the motivation to read those around like fascinating books. We will pass each other by, taking mere notice.

This is called solitude. But then, one day, a natural instinct will evoke something so compelling, we won’t be able to ignore it anymore. Those few people in our lives that we want to truly understand. Yet, once they appear on the blurred horizon, we are capable of thoroughly embracing a human emotion. It takes time, it takes courage. Still, without it, we’re just lonesome drifters.

It seems there is no rule to the game. The starting point never changes. I do not want to live in a belief I can understand everyone, no matter how long I’m here. I definitely can’t. What I want to do is to wait and watch. I want those few people to emerge from the crowd and I will take them and treasure like the most precious objects. It is a long endeavour, but I hope it will let me resist the superficial. I also hope it will continue to demonstrate that human feelings are most often just sparks and spurs of the moment. Those no one can ever fully grasp.

the fear of starting

Sometimes it feels we have a lot to loose. Sometimes we think we will become subjects of pity and comment. Sometimes we simply expect to disappoint ourselves. All those reasons hold us back from getting things started.

In fact, these are mere excuses, as people try to convince themselves there is no point in even trying. It is a rule I observed applicable to different aspects of life: job applications, travelling, entering or escaping relationships, making radical life choices. As far as one can understand human concerns and the unsettling uncertainty that accompanies every new venture, I’d rather think of it as a thrill, an excitement. The moment the first step is made and thoughts are put into action, the fear suddenly disappears, giving place to anticipation and satisfaction. If life is in its large part consisting of trivial activities, trying to elevate it with a dose of courage can transform our entire experience.

I remember my father asking me: ‘Life is putting a lot of constraints on us already, why would you add another one which is your mind?’ Those words still resonate within, as I realised sometimes we are our own worst enemy. I think an act is the most powerful reply to any doubt. The only way to change the status quo rather than escaping it. To flee means to come back, sooner or later. If for one brief moment we become oblivious of voices and glimpses reaching our heart, we will be finally able to listen and look on our own, independently and boldly.

on existence of a failure

It seems difficult to admit the existence of a failure. Something so apparent and so vague at the same time, is it even real or is it the matter of perception?

First of all, there is a question of criteria. Who do we compare ourselves with? Is it the world or is it just our best friend? Is it our Instagram guru with 500k followers or is it just us? It seems that taking a humble approach and measuring oneself with own self only may indicate the lack of ambition. Putting personal actions and achievements in a larger frame of other people’s lives seems non-sense. Keeping in mind the profound lyrics of Graham Nash’s ‘Wounded Bird’, in the end ‘it’s with you you have to live.’

Then, there is also an idea of ambition. If we aim really high, a relatively small downfall can evoke a river of tears. What if we are more down-to-earth and our mind can serenely accept a state of dissatisfaction. Some do not even try to properly think the matter over, because as much as they evade work, they also manage to escape sense of guilt or self-disappointment. Can anyone come to tell us we failed? Obviously. A jury, a judge, our competitor carrying an advantage. There is always someone to make a statement, but often we forget, the final word on the functioning of our small universe will always belong to us. This thought is quite empowering.

Finally, the most basic question remains: what exactly is failure? Probably the contrary of success, but there is no precise definition of that term either. If we are simply incapable of mastering a certain skill or life circumstances do not allow us to exploit the full potential, shall we consider it a defeat or an untapped opportunity? As questions multiply, failure appears as a mere phrase to describe a momentary weakness that we can accept or turn to our advantage.

Failure is an intrinsic element of life. It is result of all the imperfections. Edith Wharton once wrote: ‘Her failure was a useful preliminary to success’. Only under this condition, I admit its existence.