amateur discourse #2

I often wonder what disillusionment is. It is not that I never experience it. It is just I don’t accept it anymore. 

There are things in my life I wonder why they have occurred. Yet I get no answer. And I do know I will never find out why that particular thing happened and I stop questioning why, and wonder what for. This is constructive and does not allow my hopes and dreams crush like glass. This change of perspective is hard to obtain and even harder to maintain, but once possessed it makes life deep and meaningful and gears up individual’s aspirations to an unprecedented extent.

It is not self-deceit, it is self-motivation. When things move off track there is very rarely a chance to comprehend them, but what we can do and what can be constructive is to find no accident in them, yet in all their quirkiness and nonsense interpret them as most precious symbols pushing us forward.

I don’t want disillusionment anymore. I want to be wise. I want to feel my life is following its own path I cannot predict in anyway.

amateur discourse #1

If life is not about trying, what is it all about then?

I feel the imperfections, these little flaws we do possess can be embraced and cuddled and utilized. There are songs, no matter what they’re treating about, be it love, friendship, life, alcohol or party, that keep repeating the‘one more time’ phrase like a mantra. But how clever is that. It is all about one more times. Million more times. There is no limit to our attempts and to our laughing and crying from all the failures. We can be like a record with a replay button caught stuck.

For all the bad things we can do, we can tackle them by realizing they’re our own flaws, that may be temporarily intrinsic, but in a long-term this knowledge is our chance to become someone different.  Constant change makes things pretty meaningful. 

I can’t believe how long did it take me to reach a conclusion as simple as that.

#1 highly recommended

This is such a tacky thing to do it’s a shame to recommend it. But it is so efficient. Don’t try to do it though if you lack this bit of spirituality and romanticism, it won’t work.

Whenever you feel sad or stressed or down or depressed or unsettled or distraught. Whenever you feel all of it at once. Open the windows, as many as possible. Choose the one with the furthest view that can give you some perspective. Stand and stare. Feel the ambience of outdoors. Optionally, close your eyes for a while (this is the tackier alternative).

No matter it is humid, cold, warm or windy, get the best of all these. Think if what really made you feel so unbelievably bad constitutes the big or small part of the life you can now see in the street or forest or the block of flats in front of your window. Find a context and evaluate the relevance of your anxiety.

Then withdraw, close the windows. Go back to your life. Hopefully, you feel better now. Better does not mean perfect. Better means improvement. Improvement that should be the final objective. 

erwin, you were ahead of your times

He was ahead of his times. He knew it all before Juergen Teller or Terry Richardson. He was one of a kind. Yeah, you were so cool, Erwin Blumenfeld.

His pictures are sheer understanding of two factors that apply to contemporary fashion scene: beauty and commerciality. Everything full of taste and ingenuity, originality and spark, charm and longevity. It could be Vogue, it could be Harper’s Bazaar, it could be a portrait of Cecil Beaton. It could be fashion or advertisement. I just admire those who can grasp it all.

Enter google images and find more commercial pieces of his work. Look further to see his depth, type in a specific term like ’cigarette’ or ‘lighting’ to decipher his vision. There is something continuous and consistent about his work, but they are so perfectly adjusted to the circumstances or publication. Because fashion is full of specification. Model can easily get ascribed to a certain canon, designer to a defined style. Once you avoid that, you can have it all.

Erwin got away from any label, at least that was my first thought while seeing his exhibition at Somerset House. It’s still there, Blumenfeld’s private world of art for free. 

It is like walking into his mind and examining thought by thought. Nothing is more pleasant than such an intimate insight into fashion.

my summer will be great, amazing, exquisite

This summer promises me something special. Loads of fashion experience. I could never ask for any better.

It’s time to leave wintery, reflexive mood and kindly accept what summer holds for me. And it holds a lot. Just next week I’ll start my job at the vintage shop in Camden. So exciting and so intimidating at the same time. Though my feelings for fashion are pure and vintage lays in my interest, there is always this unsettling thought ‘can I handle it?’ Well, probably putting clothes on the hangers is not as challenging as my dramatic question may suggest, but I want to derive from this experience and I want to give as much from myself as it is feasible. My egoistic and altruistic features clash. I hope they will be reconciled. 

But I'm not finished, it's not just it. With first summery days of June my internship for the fashion PR agency will start. For three long months. It is almost same excitement as for the vintage job (and this is not because the agency is located minute walk from Oxford Circus on the attic of an exquisite tenement house). It is even bigger fear. I want to show I am passionate, I want to show this is what I am destined to do. I want to merge with fashion at last. 

Probably more is yet to come. And with more I think of all these unexpected turns and tasks that await. Whatever  comes up, I impatiently look forward it. This summer is also my chance to fall in love with London. Blindly and deeply,With all its events and bright evening. With all its nature and concrete.

I want all these good and tough things to start and last and never to end. 

warsaw

Hi Warsaw,

I’m leaving you because I have to and because I want to. You are such a sad place for me. I struggled to think the other way. I can’t. I’m sorry.

You’re the contrast. The contrast of new and the old. The contrast of people who get on the tube with their iphones and those without a ticket. I don’t know where all of them come from, but they’re so different. It’s confusing, because you I’ve never been sure if I fit in here.

And when I walked down your streets I felt nothing is working. A Louis Vuitton shop next to KFC. Another contrast emerged. I could not make up my mind.

And although your culture is great, theatres, cinemas I’ve been to, I feel it’s the only thing that can be your defense. You seem to keep searching for your identity still. There are foreigners that come here for cheap fun. There are locals that seem so posh and confident although the only place they gather is French hip bar Charlotte.

I’m not coming back in the imminent future. But I will one day. To see how I feel after a break. After you change. After I change.

Take care,

X

people stare while i explore

Probably all of us experience that moment when people stare. They stare because they have a bad day or crave to seem more respectable than they really are, but sometimes they simply look because of your clothes. Maybe even style.

Instantly you can notice the reason. And the more confident you look, the more probable option is the vain one – you’re being admired. Why it happens? It is rather obvious your daily, no matter how cool outfit, will not revolutionize the fashion industry. But there is this one amazing explanation - so simple and so true.

Those who look, they constantly aspire. But to no avail. It is not the case of a low budget – it is just that some people can pull it off while others struggle but never reach this wonderful moment of self-acceptance stemming from the confidence that what you’re wearing is right. Such moments are indispensable in fact. How amazing it feels not to lose all your gut once you finally hit the street after a one minute walk from your flat’s door, where normally you’re already starting to feel desperate with your fashion choices.

People look and admire when you don’t need any assertions. When you can define own style. When you’re consistent. It is tough to achieve, but once this day comes you feel like you’ve fully explored another part of yourself. The fashion part.